A Five Point Guide to Shooting Yourself in Both Feet: The New Democrat Story.

Interim leader Nycole Turmel at her day-job, as a chef for childhood firefighters. Image via NDP flickrstream

So maybe you’re curious as to exactly what the hell Canada’s new official opposition is doing in Ottawa. And if you’re been paying attention, you can tell it’s totally working.

Assuming ‘working’ is code for ‘doing very poorly.’

New polls show that the NDP is back in its historical homeland of third place.

Don’t worry, says leadership contender Robert Chisholm, I used to be behind in the polls all the time!

The failed leader of the Nova Scotia NDP and one-time critic for International Trade should be one to talk – this precipitous slide is totally his fault.

Well, him and the other leadership contestants. It’s all part of their five-point plan to do poorly, boiled down here in five steps!
Step One: Make some really dumb rules.
My god, what would possess you to make a leadership race seven months long? Everybody gets bored after 6 weeks of a federal election – nobody wants to hear nine dippers being polite for over half a year.

Step Two: Demote all your best people.

Leadership candidates can’t keep their critic roles. That’s all well and good – you don’t want certain members having a more public role than the others.

On the other hand – that’s incredibly stupid. You can’t fire your entire board of directors if they decide to start looking for new work. The pencil-pushing temps probably won’t know how to run a company.

Step Three: Stop having ideas.

The last exciting policy proposal the party put forward was bike lanes. Yay.

If you’re the official opposition and you’re not proposing you know, like, stuff – then you’re just 102 people. Sitting there. Yelling about stuff sometimes.

Step Four: Stop looking like your care.

Remember when Pat Martin said ‘fuck’ and everyone went nuts? Yeah, that’s the most enthusiastic the NDP have been in awhile. (Maybe aside from Peter Julian’s inspired tirade in the house today.)

Step Five: Stop doing things.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away – the NDP pulled a Mr. Smith Goes to Washington and filibustered back-to-work legislation for Canada Post. That was badass.

Now the NDP caucus has been transformed into a 102-toed sloth. They trudge to the House of Commons, trudge back to their ridings and every once and a wdamn gun right.hile they sulk onair in a CBC studio.

Look at their website. You can know roll metaphorical dice on your retirement. Woo. Hoo.

Or just keep an eye on your streets – the party will be putting up three (count ’em, THREE!) billboards about the already-failed long-gun registry. They couldn’t even get the damn gun right.

So, hey, NDP – it’s not too late. If you tried, y’know, being a political party, you might just have people like you.

Categories: NDP Leadership Race


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